Finding the Truth: How Therapy Can Help You Stop Lying
The truth can feel like a dangerous thing. For some, it’s a vulnerability, a weakness to be hidden away. If you’ve built a life, or even just a moment, on a foundation of untruths, the thought of letting that facade crumble is terrifying. You are not alone in this fear. The cycle of lying can feel like a prison of your own making, but there is a key, and therapy can help you find it.
This journey begins with a single, courageous admission, even if only to yourself. You are here, reading this, because a part of you wants to break free. That part is stronger than you think.
What is compulsive or pathological lying?
Compulsive lying, often called pathological lying or mythomania, is a chronic behaviour of telling falsehoods without any clear, external benefit. Unlike a simple white lie told to spare someone’s feelings, this type of lying is a pattern, an ingrained response that often happens impulsively and can cause significant harm to one’s relationships and personal integrity.
The lies can range from small, seemingly pointless embellishments to grand, elaborate fantasies. The key feature is the compulsion, the feeling that you have to lie, even when the truth would be easier or more effective. It’s a behaviour that feels out of your control.
Why do people develop a habit of lying?
People develop a habit of lying for a complex web of reasons, often rooted in past experiences and underlying psychological needs. It is rarely a simple choice to be deceptive, but rather a deeply ingrained coping mechanism that once served a purpose, even if it is now causing harm.
Understanding these origins is not about making excuses. It is about developing the compassion and insight needed to dismantle the behaviour. By exploring the ‘why’, you can begin to address the root cause instead of just battling the symptom.
Could it be from childhood experiences?
Yes, childhood experiences are a very common origin for a pattern of compulsive lying. A child who grew up in a volatile or highly critical environment may have learned that lying was a necessary tool for survival, a way to avoid punishment, conflict, or disapproval.
If love and acceptance were conditional on performance or perfection, a child might start fabricating successes to earn that affection. Lying becomes a shield. Over time, this shield, once used for protection, can become a permanent part of their identity, used in all situations, not just threatening ones.
Is it related to low self-esteem?
Absolutely. Low self-esteem is a powerful driver of compulsive lying. When a person feels fundamentally inadequate or uninteresting, they may invent a more impressive version of themselves to present to the world.
These lies are an attempt to build a reality where they feel valued, respected, and admired. They might exaggerate accomplishments, invent exciting life stories, or fabricate connections to important people. The lie is a desperate attempt to fill the void left by a lack of genuine self-worth, creating a temporary feeling of confidence that is incredibly addictive.
Can it be a symptom of a mental health condition?
Yes, a pattern of lying can be a prominent symptom of several underlying mental health conditions. It’s important to see it not as a character flaw, but as a potential signal that something deeper requires attention and treatment.
For instance, it can be associated with personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It can also be linked to anxiety disorders, where lies are told to avoid feared social situations, or to impulse-control disorders. A proper diagnosis from a mental health professional is crucial to ensure the correct therapeutic approach is taken.
Is it just a bad habit that got out of control?
For some, what started as a series of small, isolated lies can snowball into a powerful, seemingly unbreakable habit. Each lie requires another to support it, creating a complex web that becomes increasingly difficult to manage.
The brain creates neural pathways for our habits, and the more a behaviour is repeated, the stronger that pathway becomes. Lying can become an automatic, default response. The initial reason for the lie may be long forgotten, but the habit itself takes on a life of its own, driven by momentum and the fear of what would happen if the whole structure collapsed.
How can therapy help someone who lies?
Therapy can provide a confidential, non-judgmental space where you can safely explore the roots of your lying without fear of condemnation. A therapist’s goal is not to catch you in a lie, but to help you understand why you feel the need to lie in the first place and to equip you with healthier ways to cope and communicate.
It is a collaborative process focused on building self-awareness, developing new skills, and healing the underlying issues, such as low self-esteem or past trauma, that fuel the behaviour. Therapy offers a path towards living more authentically and building relationships based on trust.
What kind of therapy is best for this issue?
Several therapeutic modalities can be highly effective, and the "best" one often depends on the individual and the root causes of the lying. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a common and effective approach. It helps individuals identify the thoughts and feelings that trigger the impulse to lie and teaches them to challenge and reframe those thoughts, leading to a change in behaviour.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is also beneficial, particularly if the lying is linked to emotional dysregulation. DBT focuses on mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness skills. For deeper-seated issues rooted in childhood, psychodynamic therapy can help uncover and process unconscious motivations and past experiences that contribute to the current behaviour.
What happens in a therapy session for lying?
In a therapy session, you can expect to do more than just talk about your lies. You will work with your therapist to identify your specific triggers, the situations, people, or feelings that make you most likely to be dishonest. You might explore the function each lie serves, what you are hoping to achieve or avoid.
The work is active. You may engage in role-playing exercises to practice telling the truth in low-stakes situations, building your confidence over time. A significant portion of the therapy will likely focus on building genuine self-esteem, so you no longer feel the need to invent a more palatable version of yourself. The goal is to make the truth feel safer and more rewarding than the lie.
How can a therapist help if I lie to them?
This is the central paradox and the greatest fear for many people seeking help, but therapists are trained for this exact scenario. A good therapist understands that trust is not automatic, it must be earned, especially with someone who struggles with honesty. They expect that the behaviour you’re there to treat might show up in the room.
The therapist’s response will not be anger or judgment, but curiosity. They might gently point out inconsistencies or explore why a particular lie felt necessary in that moment. This transforms the lie from a roadblock into a therapeutic opportunity, a real-time example of the pattern you are there to change. Your honesty about your dishonesty is the most powerful tool you have.
What are the first steps to getting help?
The very first step is acknowledging to yourself that the lying is a problem and that you want to change. This internal admission is the most crucial and courageous part of the entire process. It is the moment you decide that the cost of maintaining the lies has become greater than the fear of telling the truth.
From there, the next step involves reaching out. This doesn’t have to be a grand confession to everyone you know. It can be a quiet, confidential search for a qualified therapist who can guide you through the next phase of your journey.
How do I find the right therapist?
Finding the right therapist is about both qualifications and connection. Look for professionals who list specialties in areas like impulse control, behavioural issues, CBT, or personality disorders on their profiles. These are often relevant areas of expertise.
Most importantly, you need to feel a sense of safety and rapport. Many therapists offer a brief initial consultation, often for free. Use this time to ask questions and get a feel for their approach. Do you feel heard? Do you sense judgment or compassion? Trust your gut, as the therapeutic relationship itself is a primary agent of change.
What should I say in the first session?
You do not need to have everything figured out before your first session. You can be direct and simply state, "I am here because I have a problem with lying, and I want to stop." Saying those words out loud to another person can be incredibly powerful.
You can also be honest about your fears. It is perfectly acceptable to say, "I’m worried that I might even lie to you, and I don’t know how to handle that." This level of self-awareness is not a sign of failure, it’s a sign of commitment. It gives your therapist a clear starting point and establishes a foundation of trying for honesty, which is all that is asked.
How can I support someone who I think is a compulsive liar?
Supporting someone who lies compulsively requires a delicate balance of compassion and boundary-setting. Your goal should be to support the person, not their behaviour. Approaching them with accusation and anger will likely only entrench the behaviour, as it reinforces the feeling that the truth is unsafe.
Instead, focus on expressing your concern for their well-being. The lies are a symptom of a deeper pain, and addressing that pain is the most loving and effective thing you can do. It’s about shifting the focus from "You are a liar" to "I am worried about you, and I see that you are struggling."
Should I confront them about their lies?
Direct confrontation about specific lies is often counterproductive. It can lead to denial, defensiveness, and more elaborate lies to cover the original one. The person may feel attacked and withdraw, making it even harder to reach them.
A more effective approach is to address the pattern rather than the individual instances. You might say something like, "I’ve noticed that sometimes what you say doesn’t seem to line up with reality, and it makes it hard for me to feel close to you. I’m concerned about you." This focuses on your feelings and the impact on the relationship, which is harder to argue with than a specific fact.
How can I encourage them to seek therapy?
Encourage therapy as an act of self-care and strength, not as a punishment. You can frame it as a tool for them to feel better, happier, and less stressed. The constant need to maintain lies is exhausting, and you can acknowledge that.
Offer your support in practical ways. You could say, "If you ever wanted to talk to someone professionally about the pressure you’re under, I would be happy to help you find some resources." Avoid ultimatums unless you are fully prepared to follow through on them. The most powerful encouragement is consistently demonstrating that your love and concern are for the real person behind the facade.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is compulsive lying a mental illness?
Compulsive or pathological lying is not listed as a standalone diagnosis in the main diagnostic manuals like the DSM-5. However, it is widely recognized in the clinical world as a serious behavioural issue and is often a symptom of other underlying mental health conditions, such as personality disorders, anxiety disorders, or impulse-control disorders.
Can someone who lies ever truly change?
Yes, absolutely. Change is entirely possible with commitment and the right support. It requires the individual to want to change and to be willing to engage in the difficult work of therapy to understand the roots of their behaviour and learn new coping strategies. It is a process of building new habits of honesty and self-worth, and many people succeed in breaking the cycle.
Will a therapist report my lies?
A therapist is bound by strict rules of confidentiality. They cannot report things you tell them, including past or present lies, to anyone without your explicit consent. The only exceptions to this rule are if you disclose an immediate threat of serious harm to yourself or others, or in cases involving child or elder abuse. Your sessions are a safe container for honesty.
How long does therapy for lying take?
The duration of therapy varies greatly from person to person. It depends on the severity and chronicity of the lying, the presence of any underlying conditions, and the individual’s motivation and engagement in the process. Some people may see significant progress in a few months with a focused approach like CBT, while others with deeper-rooted issues may benefit from longer-term therapy. The goal is lasting change, not a quick fix.
At Counselling-uk, we understand that some challenges are harder to talk about than others.
The habit of lying can build a wall around you, leaving you feeling isolated and ashamed. But you do not have to dismantle that wall alone. We believe that taking the first step to seek help is an act of profound courage.
Our mission is to provide a safe, completely confidential, and professional place for you to explore your story and find a new way forward. We offer support for all of life’s challenges, especially the ones that feel unspeakable. Let us help you find the strength in your own truth. Reach out today.
No matter which type of therapy is used, it’s important for the therapist to create a safe space where the person feels comfortable being open about why they lie and what triggers their behavior. This will help them develop trust in themselves and in others, which will ultimately lead to more honest interactions. With time and effort, liars can learn more healthy ways of communicating their thoughts and feelings without resorting to dishonesty or manipulation.
Benefits of Therapy for Liars
Therapy for liars is a process that involves exploring underlying motivations for dishonesty and creating positive behaviors that promote trustworthiness. Liars should feel safe in therapy so they can openly discuss their issues without fear of judgment or criticism. With the help of a therapist, liars can learn new coping strategies and develop behaviors that lead to healthier relationships with others.