Mastering Your Emotions: A Guide to DBT Coping Skills
Have you ever felt like your emotions were a tidal wave, sweeping you away before you had a chance to think? Life throws intense challenges our way, and sometimes, the feelings that follow are overwhelming, confusing, and painful. In these moments, we need more than just willpower, we need practical, effective tools to navigate the storm. This is precisely where Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, or DBT, offers a lifeline.
DBT is not about suppressing your emotions or pretending you don’t feel them. Instead, it’s a powerful, evidence-based approach that teaches you how to understand, accept, and ultimately manage your emotional world. It provides a concrete set of coping skills that can help you build a life that feels more stable, meaningful, and worth living, even when things get tough. This guide will walk you through the core principles and skills of DBT, empowering you to face life’s challenges with newfound resilience and control.
What Exactly Is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy?
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is a type of cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy developed to help people cope with extreme emotional instability. It was created by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the late 1980s, initially to treat individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who were chronically suicidal. Since then, its incredible effectiveness has led to its adaptation for a wide range of mental health challenges.
The core of DBT lies in its name. "Dialectical" means synthesising two opposites. In DBT, the central dialectic is between acceptance and change. It teaches you to accept yourself, your reality, and your emotions exactly as they are in this moment, while also empowering you with the tools to change your behaviours and build a better future. This balance is revolutionary, it releases you from the struggle of self-judgment while simultaneously motivating you to grow.
How Does DBT Help You Cope?
DBT helps you cope by providing a structured framework of practical skills across four key areas, or modules. Think of it as a comprehensive toolkit for emotional and psychological well-being. Instead of just talking about problems, DBT gives you tangible things to do when you are struggling.
These four modules are Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Effectiveness. Each module targets a different aspect of your experience, from staying present in the moment to navigating difficult conversations. By learning and practising these skills, you systematically build your capacity to handle emotional pain, reduce impulsive behaviours, and create more positive, stable relationships.
What Are the Core Mindfulness Skills in DBT?
The core mindfulness skills are the foundation upon which all other DBT skills are built. They are designed to help you take control of your mind by learning to pay attention to the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment. This practice helps you step back from intense emotional reactions and see your situation more clearly.
Mindfulness in DBT is divided into two sets of skills, the "What" skills and the "How" skills. The "What" skills tell you what to do to be mindful, while the "How" skills guide how you should do it. Together, they create a powerful practice for cultivating awareness and presence.
What are “What” skills?
The "What" skills are the specific actions you take to practice mindfulness, they are Observe, Describe, and Participate. These three skills guide you in focusing your attention and engaging with the present moment directly.
Observing is the act of simply noticing your experience without getting caught up in it. You pay attention to sensations in your body, the thoughts passing through your mind, and the events happening around you. It’s like being a silent witness to your own life, watching everything unfold without needing to react or judge.
Describing involves putting words to what you observe. You label your feelings, thoughts, and what you see or hear in a non-evaluative way. Saying "I feel a tightness in my chest" or "I am having the thought that I will fail" is very different from saying "My anxiety is awful and I know I’m going to fail." Describing helps you separate fact from interpretation.
Participating means throwing yourself completely into the current moment. You become one with your activity, whether it’s washing the dishes, listening to music, or talking with a friend. This skill helps you overcome the feeling of being disconnected and allows you to fully experience your life as it happens.
What are “How” skills?
The "How" skills guide the attitude you bring to your mindfulness practice, they are Non-judgmentally, One-mindfully, and Effectively. These skills are about the way you orient yourself towards your experiences.
Practicing non-judgmentally means seeing things as they are, without attaching labels of "good" or "bad." You let go of criticism, both of yourself and of others. This is about acknowledging the facts of a situation, like "I made a mistake," instead of layering on judgments like "I’m so stupid for making that mistake."
One-mindfully is the practice of doing one thing at a time. In a world that glorifies multitasking, this skill encourages you to put your full attention on the task at hand. When you are eating, just eat. When you are walking, just walk. This focus brings a sense of calm and control to a scattered mind.
Effectively means focusing on what works. It’s a pragmatic skill that asks you to let go of being "right" in favour of achieving your goals. It involves playing by the rules of the situation you are in and doing what is needed to get the outcome you want, rather than getting stuck on fairness or how things "should" be.
How Can Distress Tolerance Skills Help in a Crisis?
Distress tolerance skills are designed to help you get through a crisis without making the situation worse. A crisis is any moment of intense emotional or physical pain that feels overwhelming and prompts you to act impulsively in ways you might later regret. These skills are not about feeling good, they are about surviving.
They provide you with concrete strategies to tolerate and endure difficult situations when you cannot immediately solve the problem. By using these skills, you create a space between an overwhelming trigger and a destructive reaction. This gives you time for the intensity to decrease, allowing you to think more clearly and choose a more helpful response.
How do you use the TIPP skill?
The TIPP skill is a powerful technique for rapidly changing your body chemistry to reduce extreme emotional arousal. TIPP stands for Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Paired muscle relaxation.
Temperature involves using cold water to trigger your body’s “dive response,” which quickly slows your heart rate. You can do this by holding your breath and putting your face in a bowl of cold water for about 30 seconds, or by holding a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks.
Intense exercise means engaging in a short burst of vigorous physical activity. Just a minute of jumping jacks, running in place, or sprinting up a flight of stairs can help burn off the intense energy that comes with emotions like anger or anxiety.
Paced breathing requires you to slow your breathing down, breathing in for a count of four and out for a count of six. Breathing out for longer than you breathe in activates the body’s relaxation response, calming your entire system.
Paired muscle relaxation involves tensing a specific muscle group as you breathe in and then completely relaxing it as you breathe out. This process helps release physical tension that often accompanies emotional distress.
What are the ACCEPTS skills for distraction?
The ACCEPTS skills provide seven ways to distract yourself from painful emotions until you are in a better place to deal with them. This is not avoidance, it is a strategic, temporary redirection of your attention. ACCEPTS stands for Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, and Sensations.
Activities involve getting busy with something that requires your focus. This could be anything from cleaning a room to playing a video game or doing a puzzle. The goal is to absorb your mind in a neutral or positive task.
Contributing means doing something for someone else. You could volunteer, help a friend with a task, or simply offer a kind word to a stranger. Focusing on others shifts your perspective away from your own pain.
Comparisons involve putting your situation in perspective by comparing it to a time you felt differently or to people who are coping with even greater challenges. This is not about invalidating your pain, but about reminding yourself that things can and do change.
Emotions means creating a different emotional state by engaging with something that evokes a strong, opposite feeling. Watch a funny movie to combat sadness, or listen to calming music to soothe anger.
Pushing away is the act of temporarily blocking the painful situation from your mind. Imagine putting the problem in a box and placing it on a shelf, promising to come back to it later when you are more capable of handling it.
Thoughts involve replacing your current distressing thoughts with something else. You can do this by counting to ten, reciting a poem, or focusing intently on a mentally engaging task like a crossword puzzle.
Sensations means using your five senses to jolt yourself out of your current emotional state. Squeeze an ice cube in your hand, listen to loud music, or bite into a lemon. The strong sensation demands your attention and interrupts the emotional spiral.
How can you self-soothe with your five senses?
Self-soothing with your five senses is a gentle way to comfort and ground yourself during times of distress. It involves mindfully engaging each of your senses in a pleasant and calming way. This practice is about being kind and nurturing to yourself when you are hurting.
For vision, you might look at beautiful art, watch the clouds, or light a candle and watch the flame flicker. For hearing, listen to calming music, the sound of rain, or a guided meditation. For smell, light a scented candle, bake cookies, or smell fresh flowers.
For taste, mindfully savour a piece of chocolate, sip a warm cup of herbal tea, or enjoy your favourite comfort food. For touch, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, take a warm bath, give yourself a hand massage with lotion, or pet a furry animal. The goal is to create a comforting sensory experience.
What does improving the moment involve?
Improving the moment is a set of skills for making a painful situation more tolerable when you are in it. These skills, remembered by the acronym IMPROVE, shift your perspective and bring a sense of peace or purpose to a difficult experience. IMPROVE stands for Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing in the moment, Vacation, and Encouragement.
Imagery involves imagining a relaxing scene in great detail. Picture a peaceful beach or a quiet forest, engaging all your senses in the fantasy to transport yourself away from the pain.
Meaning is about finding purpose or value in your suffering. This might involve seeing the pain as an opportunity for growth or connecting it to a larger purpose in your life.
Prayer can mean either a traditional prayer to a higher power or a quiet, personal reflection on your values and wishes for yourself. It is about connecting to something larger than your immediate pain.
Relaxation involves actively calming your body. You can use any of the techniques mentioned earlier, like paced breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, to release physical tension.
One thing in the moment is a mindfulness skill. You bring your entire focus to what is happening right now, whether it’s the feeling of your breath, the sounds around you, or the sensation of your feet on the floor.
Vacation means taking a short break. Give yourself a few minutes or an hour to step away from the stress. You could read a chapter of a book, sit outside, or do anything that provides a brief mental escape.
Encouragement involves becoming your own cheerleader. Talk to yourself in a kind, supportive voice, reminding yourself that you can get through this and that the feeling will not last forever.
What Is Emotion Regulation in DBT?
Emotion regulation is the set of skills that helps you understand and manage your emotions. While distress tolerance is for surviving crises, emotion regulation is for the day-to-day work of building a more balanced emotional life. The goal is not to eliminate emotions, but to learn how to change the ones you want to change.
These skills help you identify what you are feeling, understand why you are feeling it, and reduce your vulnerability to overwhelming emotions. By practising emotion regulation, you can decrease the frequency of unwanted emotions and feel more in control of your emotional responses, rather than feeling controlled by them.
How can you identify and label your emotions?
Identifying and labelling your emotions is the first step toward managing them. This involves paying close attention to your internal experience, including your thoughts, physical sensations, and action urges, to figure out exactly what emotion you are feeling.
Start by observing your body. Is your heart racing? Are your muscles tense? Then, notice your thoughts. What are you telling yourself about the situation? Finally, consider your urges. Do you feel like yelling, hiding, or running away? By gathering this data, you can more accurately label your feeling as anger, fear, sadness, or joy, which is crucial for deciding how to respond.
What does checking the facts mean?
Checking the facts is a skill for determining if your emotional reaction fits the reality of the situation. Emotions are not good or bad, but sometimes they are based on misinterpretations or assumptions rather than objective facts. This skill helps you ground your feelings in reality.
You ask yourself a series of questions. What is the event that triggered my emotion? What are my interpretations and thoughts about the event? Then, you look for evidence that supports and contradicts your interpretation. If you find that your emotion doesn’t fit the facts, it becomes much easier to let it go or choose a different response.
How do you use opposite action?
Opposite action is a powerful skill for changing an unwanted emotion by acting opposite to its action urge. Every emotion comes with a specific urge, for example, fear makes you want to avoid, and anger makes you want to attack. If the emotion doesn’t fit the facts or isn’t effective, acting opposite can change the emotion itself.
If you are feeling sad and your urge is to stay in bed and isolate, opposite action would be to get up, get dressed, and call a friend. If you are feeling afraid of something that is not truly dangerous, opposite action would be to approach the feared situation. This behavioural change sends a new signal to your brain, helping to regulate the original emotion.
What is the PLEASE skill for building resilience?
The PLEASE skill is a foundational practice for reducing your vulnerability to negative emotions in the long term. It focuses on taking care of your physical health, as your body and mind are deeply connected. PLEASE stands for treat PhysicaL illness, balanced Eating, avoid mood-Altering substances, balanced Sleep, and get Exercise.
Treating physical illness means seeing a doctor when you are sick and taking care of your body. Balanced eating involves nourishing your body with regular, healthy meals to avoid mood swings caused by low blood sugar. Avoiding non-prescribed mood-altering substances is crucial, as they can disrupt your emotional stability. Getting a balanced amount of sleep, not too much or too little, is vital for emotional regulation. Finally, getting regular exercise is a proven way to boost your mood and reduce stress.
How Do Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Improve Relationships?
Interpersonal effectiveness skills teach you how to interact with others in a way that is successful and respectful. They are designed to help you get your needs met, maintain important relationships, and preserve your self-respect, all at the same time. These skills provide clear, step-by-step strategies for navigating social situations, from making a simple request to saying no to an unreasonable demand.
Often, we know what we want but struggle to ask for it, or we sacrifice our own needs to please others, leading to resentment. These skills provide a middle path. They help you communicate assertively and effectively, fostering healthier, more balanced, and more satisfying relationships with the people in your life.
What is the DEAR MAN skill for making requests?
The DEAR MAN skill is a structured way to ask for what you want or to say no to someone. It helps you communicate clearly and confidently, increasing the chances that you will be heard and taken seriously. DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate.
Describe the current situation factually, without judgment. Express your feelings and opinions about the situation using "I" statements. Assert your needs clearly and specifically. Reinforce the person by explaining the positive outcomes of getting what you want. Stay Mindful by keeping your focus on your goal and ignoring distractions. Appear confident in your tone of voice and body language. Be willing to Negotiate and find a workable compromise.
What is the GIVE skill for maintaining relationships?
The GIVE skill is used during interactions to maintain a positive connection with the other person, even when the conversation is difficult. It focuses on showing respect and validation, which is essential for preserving the relationship. GIVE stands for be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, and use an Easy manner.
Be Gentle in your approach, avoiding attacks, threats, and judgmental language. Act Interested by listening actively to the other person’s point of view without interrupting. Validate their feelings and perspective, even if you don’t agree with them. You can say things like, "I can see why you would feel that way." Use an Easy manner with a bit of humour or a soft tone to keep the interaction light and positive.
What is the FAST skill for self-respect?
The FAST skill helps you maintain your self-respect during interpersonal interactions, ensuring you act in a way that is consistent with your own values. This is particularly important when you are saying no or standing up for yourself. FAST stands for be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to your values, and be Truthful.
Be Fair to both yourself and the other person. Acknowledge that your needs and their needs are both valid. Make no unnecessary or excessive Apologies for having an opinion or for saying no. Stick to your values and don’t compromise what is truly important to you just to be liked. Be Truthful and avoid lying or exaggerating, as dishonesty ultimately undermines self-respect.
How Can You Start Using DBT Skills Today?
You can start using DBT skills today by choosing just one skill that resonates with you and committing to practising it. You don’t need to master all the skills at once. The journey of building a life worth living is a marathon, not a sprint, and every small step forward is a victory.
Begin by noticing your emotions and situations where you feel distressed. Pick a simple skill, like paced breathing or self-soothing with your sense of touch. Try it out without pressure or expectation. The key is consistent practice. Over time, as you become more comfortable, you can begin to incorporate other skills into your daily life, gradually building your personal DBT toolkit.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is DBT only for borderline personality disorder?
No, DBT is not just for borderline personality disorder. While it was originally developed for BPD, research has shown it is highly effective for a wide range of issues, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance use disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Its focus on practical coping skills makes it beneficial for anyone struggling with intense emotions and problematic behaviours.
Can I learn DBT skills on my own?
Yes, you can certainly learn and benefit from DBT skills on your own through books, workbooks, and online resources. Many people find significant relief by practising these skills independently. However, comprehensive DBT includes individual therapy, group skills training, and phone coaching, which provides a supportive structure that can be crucial for making deep, lasting changes, especially for those with severe difficulties.
How long does it take to see results with DBT?
The time it takes to see results with DBT varies from person to person. Some individuals may notice small but significant improvements, like handling a crisis better, within a few weeks of practising skills like TIPP. For more profound changes in emotional patterns and relationships, it often takes several months of consistent practice. Full, comprehensive DBT programs typically last from six months to a year or more.
What’s the difference between DBT and CBT?
DBT is a type of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but it has key differences. While both therapies focus on changing thoughts and behaviours, DBT places a much greater emphasis on acceptance and mindfulness as prerequisites for change. DBT also specifically targets the challenges of managing extreme emotions and interpersonal difficulties, incorporating a structured skills-training component that is central to the treatment.
Learning to cope with life’s challenges is a journey, not a destination. The skills of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy offer a map and a compass, but sometimes, the most crucial step is asking for a guide. You don’t have to navigate the storm alone.
At Counselling-uk, we provide a safe, confidential, and professional place to get advice and help with your mental health. We believe in offering support for all of life’s challenges, empowering you with the tools and understanding you need to build a more resilient and fulfilling life. If you’re ready to take the next step towards mastering your emotions, reach out to us. We are here to help.
