How Your Relationships Shape Your Mental Health
When something feels wrong in our lives, our first instinct is often to look inward. We ask, "What’s wrong with me?" We might blame our anxiety, our stress levels, or a perceived personal failing. But what if the answer isn’t just inside you? What if it lives in the spaces between you and the people you love? This is the profound shift in perspective offered by systemic relational therapy, a powerful approach that sees our well being as deeply connected to the intricate dance of our relationships.
This therapy moves beyond the individual to explore the complex systems we are all a part of, our families, our partnerships, and our closest connections. It operates on a simple yet revolutionary idea. We do not exist in a vacuum. Our feelings, our behaviours, and our struggles are shaped, influenced, and maintained by the dynamics of the groups we belong to. Understanding this can be the key to unlocking lasting, meaningful change not just for you, but for everyone you’re connected to.
What Is Systemic Relational Therapy?
Systemic relational therapy is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on the relationships between people, rather than treating individuals in isolation. It is grounded in the belief that a person’s problems are best understood in the context of their family and social systems. The therapist works with couples, families, or even individuals to map out and understand the patterns of interaction that influence everyone’s behaviour and emotional state.
Imagine a delicate mobile hanging over a baby’s cot. If you touch just one of the hanging shapes, all the others move in response. They might sway, spin, or even bump into each other. A family or a couple works in much the same way. The actions, words, and emotions of one person inevitably affect everyone else in the system, creating a chain reaction.
This approach doesn’t seek to find a single ‘problem person’ or a scapegoat for the family’s difficulties. Instead, the ‘client’ is the system itself, the web of relationships. The therapist’s goal is to help the members of the system see these interconnected patterns. By making these invisible dynamics visible, the family or couple can learn new, healthier ways of relating to one another.
How Does This Therapy Differ From Other Approaches?
This therapy differs from many other approaches by shifting the focus from the individual’s internal world to the interactions happening between people. While a therapy like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) might explore how an individual’s thoughts affect their feelings and behaviours, systemic therapy asks how those thoughts and feelings are shaped and maintained by their relationships. It’s a change in the camera’s lens, zooming out from a close up on one person to a wide shot of the entire family scene.
The fundamental question changes. Instead of asking, "Why are you depressed?", a systemic therapist might ask, "What happens in the family when depression shows up?". This subtle but powerful shift reframes the problem. It is no longer a personal failing but a shared experience that everyone in the system is navigating, albeit in different ways.
This perspective moves away from a linear, cause and effect way of thinking, where A causes B. It embraces a more circular understanding. Your partner’s withdrawal might make you more critical, which in turn makes them withdraw further, which makes you even more critical. Systemic therapy helps to interrupt these self-perpetuating cycles, creating space for new, more constructive patterns to emerge.
What Are the Core Principles of Systemic Thinking?
Systemic thinking is built on several foundational principles that guide the therapist’s work and help families see their challenges in a new light. These principles create a framework for understanding how relationships function and how problems can arise and be resolved within them. They encourage curiosity over judgment and collaboration over blame.
These ideas are not just theoretical concepts, they are practical tools for change. By internalising them, families and couples can begin to see their own dynamics with greater clarity and compassion. They learn to look for patterns instead of faults, and to understand behaviour as a form of communication, even when it’s difficult or painful.
Why Is Context So Important?
Context is considered paramount because systemic therapy believes that no behaviour exists in isolation. Every action, word, or emotion makes sense when you understand the environment, or the relational ‘system’, in which it occurs. A child’s disruptive behaviour at school might be a response to tension at home, for instance.
Without understanding the context, we are quick to label behaviour as ‘bad’, ‘irrational’, or ‘wrong’. But when we see the bigger picture, we can understand the function that behaviour serves. That same disruptive behaviour might be the child’s unconscious attempt to distract their parents from their own conflict, uniting them in a shared cause, the ‘problem child’. The behaviour, while unhelpful, suddenly makes a certain kind of relational sense.
What Does It Mean to Be ‘Non-Blaming’?
A non-blaming stance means the therapist actively avoids taking sides or identifying one person as the source of the problem. Instead, they view difficulties as arising from the patterns of interaction that everyone in the system contributes to, often without realising it. Blame creates defensiveness and shuts down communication, while a non-blaming approach fosters safety and opens the door to shared responsibility.
This doesn’t mean that individuals aren’t accountable for their actions. It simply means that the focus is on understanding the ‘how’ of the problem, not the ‘who’. The therapist helps the family move from pointing fingers to looking at the dance they are all doing together. When everyone can see their own steps in the pattern, they can then work together to choreograph a new one.
How Are Problems Seen as ‘Circular’?
Problems are seen as circular, not linear, meaning they are maintained by a continuous feedback loop rather than a simple cause and effect chain. Linear thinking says, "I shout because you nag me." This places blame and creates a dead end. Circular thinking, however, sees a cycle: The nagging leads to shouting, which leads to more intense nagging, which leads to louder shouting, and so on.
The therapist helps the family trace this circle. They might ask, "When he shouts, what do you do?". And then, "When you do that, what does he do?". This line of questioning, called circular questioning, helps everyone see how their own responses feed the very pattern they dislike. Once the cycle is visible, it’s possible to find a place to intervene and change direction.
What Role Do ‘Family Rules’ Play?
Family rules are the unspoken, often unconscious, beliefs and expectations that govern how a family operates. These rules dictate everything from how emotions are expressed, who holds power, how decisions are made, and what topics are considered taboo. For example, a family might have an unwritten rule that ‘we don’t talk about anger’ or ‘dad always gets the final say’.
These rules provide stability and predictability, but they can also become rigid and unhelpful, especially when the family faces new challenges or life stages. A rule that worked when the children were young might become restrictive when they are teenagers seeking independence. Systemic therapy helps to bring these hidden rules out into the open, so the family can consciously decide which ones they want to keep, and which ones they need to update.
How Do ‘Life Cycles’ Impact the System?
Life cycles are the natural transitions and developmental stages that all families go through, and they have a profound impact on the system. Events like the birth of a child, children starting school, adolescence, launching young adults, marriage, retirement, or the death of a family member all require the family system to adapt and reorganise.
These transitions can be a major source of stress because they demand new rules, new roles, and new ways of relating. The skills that helped a couple navigate life before children may be insufficient once a baby arrives. Systemic therapy helps families navigate these developmental shifts more smoothly, anticipating challenges and building the flexibility needed to adapt and grow together, rather than being pulled apart by the changes.
Who Can Benefit From This Type of Therapy?
This form of therapy can benefit a wide range of people, including couples, families with young children, families with adolescents, and blended families. It is effective for anyone who is experiencing difficulties that are rooted in their relationships and interactional patterns. It provides a space to address issues that affect the entire family unit.
However, its benefits are not limited to families or couples attending together. An individual can also benefit immensely from systemic therapy. By exploring their role in their family of origin and current relationships, they can gain powerful insights into their own patterns of behaviour and learn how to interact differently, which can create positive change even if other family members are not present in the room.
The therapy is particularly helpful for issues like persistent arguments and conflict, communication breakdowns, navigating divorce or separation, and dealing with the impact of illness or loss. It is also effective for addressing parenting challenges, behavioural issues in children, and the complexities of step-parenting. Essentially, if a problem involves more than one person, a systemic approach can offer a valuable and effective path forward.
What Happens in a Typical Systemic Therapy Session?
A typical systemic therapy session is an active and collaborative conversation, guided by a therapist who acts as a facilitator. The therapist’s primary role is not to give advice, but to ask questions that help the family members see their situation from new perspectives and discover their own solutions. The atmosphere is one of curiosity and respect, aiming to make everyone feel heard and understood.
The session might involve some or all members of the family or couple. The therapist will pay close attention not just to what is said, but how it is said. They observe the non-verbal communication, the seating arrangements, the interruptions, and the alliances, as these all provide clues about the underlying dynamics of the system. The goal is to make the invisible patterns of interaction visible to everyone in the room.
Unlike some therapies that delve deep into the past, systemic therapy is often more focused on the present. While history is important for context, the main work is on understanding and changing the patterns that are happening right now. The therapist uses specific techniques to help the family shift their perspective and experiment with new ways of communicating and behaving.
What Are Genograms?
A genogram is a therapeutic tool that is essentially a detailed family tree. It goes beyond a typical family tree by mapping out not just names and dates, but also the emotional relationships, significant life events, and recurring patterns across several generations. The therapist and family create this map together in a session.
Creating a genogram helps everyone to see the bigger picture of their family history. It can reveal patterns of communication, addiction, mental health issues, or relationship styles that have been passed down through generations. Seeing these patterns visually can be incredibly powerful, helping family members understand that their current struggles may have deep roots. It depersonalises the problem and fosters empathy for one another.
What Is Circular Questioning?
Circular questioning is a key technique used by systemic therapists to explore the interconnectedness of the family system. Instead of asking direct, linear questions to one person, the therapist asks questions that invite one family member to comment on the relationship between two other members. For example, a therapist might ask a daughter, "When your mum gets quiet, what does your dad do?".
This type of questioning has several effects. It encourages family members to see things from each other’s perspectives, reduces blame by highlighting the circular nature of interactions, and provides the therapist with rich information about the family’s dynamics. It turns the session from a series of individual reports into a dynamic, interactive conversation that reveals the family’s relational ‘dance’.
What Does ‘Reframing’ Mean in Therapy?
Reframing is a powerful technique that involves offering a new, more helpful way of looking at a problem or a behaviour. The therapist listens to the family’s description of their issue, often framed in negative or blaming terms, and then re-presents it in a different light, one that is more positive, constructive, or understandable.
For example, a parent might describe their teenage son as ‘defiant and rebellious’. A therapist might reframe this behaviour as ‘a strong attempt to become his own person and show his independence’. This new frame doesn’t excuse problematic behaviour, but it changes its meaning. It shifts the perception from a character flaw to a developmental struggle, which opens up new and more compassionate ways for the parent to respond.
What Are the Potential Outcomes of This Therapy?
The potential outcomes of systemic relational therapy are profound and can extend far beyond solving the initial presenting problem. One of the most significant results is a dramatic improvement in communication. Family members learn to listen to understand, rather than to rebut, and to express their own needs and feelings more clearly and respectfully.
Another key outcome is an increased sense of empathy and understanding among family members. As they begin to see the circular patterns they are co-creating, blame diminishes and is replaced by a shared sense of responsibility. This fosters a deeper connection and strengthens the emotional bonds within the family or couple.
Ultimately, the therapy empowers the system to solve its own problems. Families and couples develop new, healthier patterns of interaction and gain the skills and confidence to navigate future challenges together. They leave therapy not with a temporary fix, but with a new, more resilient way of being in a relationship, equipped to face life’s complexities as a more cohesive and supportive team.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does systemic therapy usually take?
The duration of systemic therapy can vary significantly depending on the complexity of the issues and the goals of the family or couple. It is often a shorter term therapy, with some families finding significant change in as few as six to ten sessions. However, for more entrenched or complex issues, it may last for several months or longer. The process is collaborative, and the length of therapy is something you would discuss and review regularly with your therapist.
Do I have to bring my whole family?
No, you do not necessarily have to bring your whole family to every session, or even at all. Systemic therapy can be conducted with individuals, couples, or various combinations of family members. A therapist might suggest bringing in different people at different times depending on the issue being addressed. Even working with just one individual who is willing to change their part in the relational dance can create significant ripple effects throughout the entire family system.
Is this therapy only for major crises?
While systemic therapy is highly effective for managing major crises like divorce, infidelity, or significant conflict, it is absolutely not limited to them. Many people seek this therapy to improve an already good relationship, to navigate normal life transitions like becoming parents, or simply to enhance their communication and connection. It is a proactive tool for strengthening relational health at any stage, not just a reactive one for fixing major problems.
Will the therapist take sides?
A fundamental principle of systemic therapy is that the therapist remains neutral and does not take sides. Their role is to be an ally to the entire system, not to any single individual. They work to ensure that every person’s perspective is heard and validated. This non-blaming, multi-partial stance is crucial for creating the safety needed for open and honest communication to occur. The therapist is on the side of the relationship and its health.
At Counselling-uk, we understand that life’s challenges are rarely faced in isolation. Your relationships are a core part of who you are, and navigating them can be complex. If you recognise the patterns described here, if you feel stuck in a cycle of misunderstanding or conflict, know that there is a path toward greater connection and understanding. We are here to offer a safe, confidential, and professional space to explore these dynamics. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Reach out to us to find a qualified therapist who can help you and your loved ones build stronger, healthier relationships, providing the support you need for all of life’s challenges.
